What Am I Doing?

I am quite the worrier. I worry about everything, big or small, until it has passed and then I worry some more. I've come to accept that this is part of who I am and I work with it. That being said, my worrisomeness has been in overdrive since having my work hours cut in half. And even though I suddenly have more time in my day, I have been feeling largely uninspired and I haven't been writing or reading nearly as much as I would like. But I have accomplished some good things.

I have had a couple of really great interviews. The most recent one, yesterday, was for an HR Assistant position at a good, stable company that is near my home. Obviously it's too soon to say, but based on what I saw, I REALLY want this job. It pays a bit less than my current position, but money is not everything. It is a shorter commute, a much larger company, a better benefits package, and I felt I connected well with my potential boss. So I have my fingers crossed on that one.

I've also been taking a Women's Studies course at the college. My college philosophy at the moment is to take things that seem interesting until I decide what I want to be when I grow up. I am planning to take the math and English assessment tests in April (eek!), at which point I can take some general ed classes as well. Back to the point. I'm taking a women's studies course and so far I'm finding it a bit dull. It seems I don't agree with all feminist concepts. Unfortunately, I think it may have something to do with the writings in the book, as I feel a good portion of it is outdated. But the class just started so perhaps we haven't gotten into the meat of things quite yet.

And I think that's all I've got going on. We (the husband and I) sat down yesterday and reviewed our situation and I feel much less stressed, which has made today an exceptionally good day.

Cross your fingers that I get the HR Assistant position. I want it I want it I want it.

Un(der) Employed - The Saga

Last week (Wednesday) I had a serious conversation with my boss. I expressed that I was concerned because he had reduced the base pay of a couple of our recruiters. I noted that I understand we are in a period of change due to the economy, but I needed him to know that I was worried about how I fit into the company. The result of the conversation was that my hours were cut in half and I was advised to find alternate employment. Well, technically that wasn't a direct result of our conversation, I had seen it coming, but it was still shocking.

That day I immediately went home, wrote my resume, had a good friend and recruiter review it, then posted it on Monster and Craigslist. I then submitted it to about 25 different positions, tweaking the resume and my introductory paragraph for each one. I texted or called several of my friends to let them know I was looking. I submitted my resume to four different staffing firms.

Oh, yeah, and I freaked out. Who wouldn't freak out? This was the worst possible time for something like this to happen. Not that there is ever a good time.

Since then, I've had one interview, and I think the position is promising. I've tried to keep a positive attitude, but it's difficult. I want to enjoy this new-found free time, but it's impossible to enjoy this time when I don't want to have time off, I want to have a job. I continue to work my half hours at my current position while I'm looking for a new one. It's all very frustrating. Especially because as I do my research, I realize how few jobs there really are.

My confidence that I will find something in my ideal pay range is fading. The interview I had may still pan out, but if it doesn't I'm very concerned.

What Does Christmas Mean To You?

Christmas means a lot of different things to different people. For some it's about family, others about presents, traditions, snow. Everyone has a vague idea of what Christmas is about, what it stands for, why it is important. I don't think that anybody's reason is wrong, but I do think it's something each of us should think about and know about ourselves.

My thoughts on Christmas have changed quite a bit over time. Growing up one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I did not celebrate Christmas. I remember driving through neighborhoods, envious of the pretty lights, the gorgeous Christmas trees in front windows, fun, inflatable Santas and snowmen. I remember my parents complaining about listening to Christmas music in the stores, the lines, the "bell ringers" out front. It was awkward knowing what to say when wished a Merry Christmas. I could not return in kind, but did not want to be rude. And of course I had to be coached on what to say if someone asked what I wanted for Christmas, what I got for Christmas, etc. A whole lot of effort went into not celebrating Christmas.

After I stopped being a practicing Jehovah's Witness, I must admit that Christmas was about the presents. Hey, it was a new thing for me. And the decorations. I bought boxes and boxes of ornaments that first year, not really knowing how to decorate a tree, and endured a little ribbing from my husband. It was fun. I wanted everything to be absolutely perfect. Things didn't go exactly the way I wanted them to, but looking back it was perfect because it was ours.

This will be my fourth Christmas. And now Christmas is more about spending time with my husband. We are such busy people and we're both looking forward to being our family - each other. We're building our own little traditions. Of course I'm still into the presents! But I've found what is really important about the holidays. It's our family. Our little family of two that will hopefully one day be a bigger family. The stores and the traffic and all that don't really matter. Happy time together matters. And that's what Christmas means to me.

It's All Okay

I am someone who is very hard on myself. I think that, really, most people are hard on themselves. It could be childhood/parental issues (such as in my case), peer issues, or just the kind of issues that the person came with. Everything has to be perfect and then, wouldn't you know it, it's just not good enough. I never try hard enough, I always quit, I start things I don't finish, my house isn't clean enough, the dinner wasn't good enough, the presentation wasn't pretty enough, I'm not skinny/pretty enough, blah blah blah. You know the drill. It's nothing knew. Thankfully (or perhaps unfortunately), I am not unique. Yes, I constantly have those voices running through my head. And yes, I sometimes answer them (don't you judge me! You answer them too).

As a general rule I handle these issues in some fashion, usually bottling them up inside, and then at some point I break. I used to freak out on a very frequent (almost daily) basis, but I've gotten better. Sometimes, though, I just feel too overwhelmed and nothing is going to help except a good cry and cuddle from my husband. And then he says the sweetest things and I feel better. Last night was one of those times I was freaking out. I think about not working out. And then it branched off into other things, as these things do, and it just kept going. All the things I start and don't finish (like the blanket I started to crochet about two years ago), or the book(s) I'm the process of reading, or blogging. Whatever.

He reminded me that growing up I was very sheltered. I was homeschooled and my life revolved around my religion and I didn't really get to have hobbies. So at this point in my life, it's ok for me to try lots of things. It's ok for me to dabble and then leave it alone and then come back to it and so forth. It's ok for my hobbies to be video game playing and TV watching and comic book reading and blog reading. (Yes, I am super-nerdy.) And I felt tremendously better. In fact, I still feel better. All of the things I do, I do because I want to. I'm allowed to do random things and it's ok because I'm still a responsible adult. I have to say, I have a renewed sense of peace with myself.

And, for the record, the husband also tells me that I'm beautiful and a good cook and a great housekeeper even though I'm not the housekeeper and so forth. I tell him he just says those things so he can sleep with me. :-P

What I'm Thankful For

This time of year, it seems every blogger is doing this post. I think it's especially important this year with all of the economic uncertainty and instability around us. We need to remember the good things in our lives and remember to appreciate and be thankful for them. So here are a few things I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful that on March 8, 2005, (my 18th birthday) I left my parents home and never looked back. As bad as things were there, it was still very, very difficult. But that decision changed the course of my life for the better.

I'm thankful for my husband. I know that's a bit cliche, but I truly feel lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive person in my life, and to know that he'll always be there for me. He's been there for me during some of the most difficult times in my life, and he will continue to be there.

I'm thankful for the life we have built. I am a firm believer that your life (and everything in it) is what you have made it, good or bad. My life is amazing and (as cocky as this sounds) I have myself and my husband to thank for that.

I'm thankful for our military. These men and women have volunteered to sacrifice their lives, their families, their relationships in order to protect all of us. Because of them, we can enjoy our Thanksgiving and all of the things we are thankful for in peace.

I'm thankful for the really great friends I have made. It's a lot of work making friends. I had to start all over with friend making three years ago, and I'm truly thankful for the incredible friends I have.

I'm thankful that I have a job. It's not glamorous, but it's a good job. I've been here for three years and the job has been really good to me. It's been worth the blood, sweat, and tears I put into it when I first started.

I'm not much of a religious person. I tend to say that God and I aren't speaking right now. And I'm thankful that I can say that. I can say whatever I want. People like to complain about our country and point out all of the problems with it and our tumultuous history. You know what? The only reason you get to say all of that is because we do live in such a great country. We can believe what we want, say what we want, and directly influence the way our country is run. While there are still problems that need solving, we need to remember all the good things about our country too.

And that, in a nutshell, is it. I could go on about what I am thankful for. But don't let me do all of the talking. What is one of the things you are most thankful for?

Life . . . Keeps Going

It's odd that just because you may be having an off time, things don't stop to let you catch up. In fact, they tend to go faster. I can't believe I went so long between posts. The funny thing is that every day I get a reminder from my Google Calendar agenda, letting me know that I need to post on one of my blogs. What do I do? Archive it. Which I can do because, well, they're my blogs.

Often in life things start to get crazy. And then they get crazier. It's not a big deal. It's the way of things. Strangely, during these sorts of times, it is easy to let the important things go, the things that really bring us peace. For me, blogging and reading blogs is a way to clear my head, to process thoughts, learn new things. Since I tend to think of blogging as a hobby, I seem to let it slide when I start to get stressed. Instead, I turn to "enjoyable" things, like video games, computer games, etc. Those are all well and good, but when I'm done playing, I frequently feel as though I wasted time. This is not always the case. I do enjoy playing games and they are a great distraction for me. But when I spend all my time on mindless activities, I start to feel very bleh. I feel guilty that I "wasted time", that I didn't blog, that I didn't read.

Know when I don't feel guilty about playing games? Days like today. I worked a full day, went to the gym on my lunch break, worked out with free weights in the evening, baked cookies, cleaned my kitchen, watched TV, and spent time with my husband. And I played a computer game. The moral of the story?

There isn't one, really. This is just me noticing a part of myself. It's not necessarily a flaw, it's just something I need to be aware of and learn to work with or around. And this is me getting back to the things that matter to me.

National Coffee Day!

I was planning to write a post on my lack of perfection and why I *might* be okay with it, but then I heard that it is National Coffee Day, so obviously I had to post about coffee.

I love coffee. It makes me feel good in the morning. There is nothing better first thing in the morning that a smooth cup of black coffee. When I have time, I love to curl up with my laptop and coffee and browse the interwebs. I find it extremely relaxing.

I'm not sure when my affair with coffee began. I think that really it was sort of a right of passage. I started to feel I was being treated as a grown up when I got to start drinking coffee. Which is, of course, a little ridiculous because I was a young teenager. But it's all about the feeling, right?

Anyways, Happy National Coffee Day to everyone! How does coffee affect you?